Remembering our hearts, our true essence, and gaining access to forgiveness.

Life is hard. 

It gets in the way and adds layer upon layer of stuff. Trauma, heartbreak, strict parents, failure, mean friends, toxic relationships, all over time create a shield over top of our hearts. We learn to be armoured and tough, conditioned to survive life instead of thriving in it. And all these things are valid. They are real things that chip away at us. Whether it’s the first time you experience a friend throw your toy across the room, being yelled at by a parent, outcast in junior high, or begging for your boyfriend to let you back in.

We’ve all been through our things that have created a little more distance between our hearts and the world around us. 

So how do we get back to our hearts? How do we thrive in this hard life that seems to constantly demand something from us?

How do we remember who we really are?

I found myself contemplating this very question when in my mind I pictured a sandbox. I pictured myself playing in the sandbox at about 4 years old. And then I pictured all my people in that same sandbox with me. My friends, my family members, my kids, and my partner. I also pictured all the people that had hurt me that were no longer invited to play but that had found their own place in another sandbox. 

In that moment, I remembered my heart. I could feel my heart.

My true essence and the true essence of all these people. 

Can you picture yourself and all your people with you in a sandbox at about 4 years old? 

What do you see? Can you feel your essence there? Do you feel the simplicity of you there? The essence of the others? Can you picture them? Do you see you? The hearts of those that have hurt you? 

Picture your heart sitting inside the sandbox. Maybe you’re trying to quietly build a castle, or humming your favourite song, while maybe your best friend is throwing sand outside the box, or is spinning around in delight.

Take a minute to picture it while I share with you, my sandbox.

Here’s what I see. 

I see my boho bestie whose curiosity stretches for miles, looking around the sandbox asking all the kids to come in. She’s smiling, her eyes are wide, she is sitting on her knees in ease and comfort. Her body language invites everyone in. She is the opposite of competitive and everyone feels safe with her. She has daisies propped in her hair, some are falling out around her messy curls, and some are on the sand around her. Her care bear t-shirt is stained, her toes are dirty, and her nails are short.

The more kids come in, the happier she is. If one of the kids cries, she reaches over and asks what is happening for them and inquires thoughtfully about their pain. She finds laughter and joy in the simplest things and occasionally, everyone in the box stops to take her in and to listen to what she has discovered in wonder. She is smart and can see what all the other kids’ hearts are trying to say, even if they can’t see it themselves.

Your other friend has a tight ponytail and is sitting cross legged, she is determined and busy building and telling everyone how they can help her build the best castle in all the land.

She is a natural leader that is steadfast and knows how to get to the end goal. Which of course is, building the best castle, anything less than that won’t do. The others busy themselves to help her reach this goal and she is smiling with a determined knowing bleeding out of her lungs. She sits up straight and doesn’t flinch when she gets hurt or a boy is mean to her. She knows who she is and isn’t waivered from her strength.

A proud brunette sits with her glasses unassuming on her face. She is quieter but also loves to spend time talking to everyone about what they are feeling and what life is like for them.

This deep feeling brunette always has music playing from her boom box that is stationed right by her side. You can see her periodically drift off into a song, eyes closed as she sways from side to side with a satisfied smile tracing her lips. Lost to the energy of the music, she can feel it right through to her bones. When she comes back, she always makes sure that everyone sees how pretty the sky is and if anyone is lucky enough to ask, she will tell beautiful stories about what it’s like to be her. 

A blonde cute yogi sits in a peaceful meditation right at the centre of the sandbox. She understands things on a different level. She can connect to the earth and to the magic in the air and she channels it right through her heart to everyone else’s. She is watching out for everyone at the playground. She smiles often. A quiet knowing. She will only offer advice when you ask her, and when you do, it seems she can always find a way to help you remember why you came to the sandbox to begin with.

She is the most intelligent person at the park, and everyone knows it, but she is also humble, so no one fears her. She lets everyone in and always seems to have the perfect snack packed in her bag or just the right little treat to soothe an aching heart. After talking to her, you always feel like you can take on anything in the park, no matter how challenging it may seem.

There’s a boy there too. He’s curious as well. But in a more logical kind of way. He loves insects and animals and the earth. He’s building little homes for the bugs and reusing cups that people have littered to make a makeshift playground for all his insect friends. He is quiet but purposeful and looks at you with wonder and envy. He is driven by a strong sense of giving back.

He sees how beautiful mother earth actually is and he wants everyone else to understand that too. But they seem to be busy, busy helping ponytail girl build the best castle and busy throwing bits of plastic off to the side. He sighs and uses each little piece to add to his insect playground. He isn’t mad though; he can see that they are busy, and he understands.

So, with a full heart, he gets back to work and the next time someone comes back and asks him what he’s doing, he excitedly explains all the pieces of his masterpiece and shows how happy the little insects are. Back to saving bugs and the earth with his huge heart.

A big brother is posted on the edge of the sandbox. He’s standing outside the sandbox with a cardboard sword at the ready. A dirty ripped white t-shirt and jeans hold his body as his bare feet dig firmly into the ground. His chest is proud, his stance wide, and he really believes he is the strongest kid in the park. His job is to protect everyone and do what’s right. He does it with a look of pride on his face and he can also do many things with his hands.

He’s the most talented of all the kids. He can build, draw, write, paint, play guitar, story tell, explore like a real adventurer, and he can even sing. He is a master teacher. One that allows all the kids to discover for themselves how they can do things too. Because he knows, the only way anybody learns anything, is by doing it themselves. 

We like having the big brother here, we all feel safer and more capable. 

I look over and see a group of kids playing in a sandbox nearby.

The ones that had scoffed at us and kicked the sand and moved on, or the ones that kept trying to play but didn’t know how to listen and couldn’t respect us.

The ones that simply wanted to go somewhere else. The ones that left because they wanted to and the ones that left because we asked them to. 

A boy that is full of life with a great smile is making all the kids die of laughter with his funny faces and great story telling. He has a kind tender heart and wants people to notice him, to choose him. He is giving all the kids cookies hoping they’ll keep picking him to play with. 

A pretty, strawberry blond-haired girl whose skin is like porcelain and has all the boys swooning over her is sitting quietly watching the sand fall through her fingers. Her hair is tied up perfectly and her dress is pressed. She looks beautiful but she can’t understand why she always feels so sad.

A boisterous blond, blue eyed boy is throwing a ball up into the air and watching it land in the sand with delight. Each time it lands the sand flings up and hits the other kids in the eyes, but he doesn’t notice, he’s too distracted by his ball. And although he appears to be physically strong on the outside, he feels broken and is hurting on the inside. His heart is aching for someone to take care of him, so that he doesn’t have to keep doing it alone anymore.

Watching them from a distance, I know why they aren’t playing in my sandbox anymore. I can feel peace in my sand box and love for them in theirs. From over here I can feel and see their hearts and how much they are hurting underneath while also knowing I have a strong foundation built around my own sandbox.

This perspective allows me access to my own heart, my compassion and even gratitude for each of those kids who once played actively in my playground. I know too that I wouldn’t be the person I am today, were it not for them. By seeing them this way, I feel myself expand and all at once I feel more joy where I am now. 

Ah, this must be what forgiveness feels like.

Just because someone is playing in a different sandbox doesn’t mean that they don’t want to play. I am choosing to not only see my people in my sandbox, but to also see the others playing at a distance.

Because when I do that, I can feel something opening up in my heart.

Then I see me.

I am sitting watching all these people around me and smiling. I can see them all. I know them all. I want to give them each a present. A flower I found that reminds me specifically of them. A special rock that is beautiful in some way. I take the time to find just the right heart shaped rock and squeal with delight when I find the perfect one. I like to notice and spend the most time with all the people in my sandbox.

I used to want them all to pick me, now I want them to know that I can see them and that I choose me.

I notice every little detail.

When their hair falls out from behind their ear, I tuck it away from their face. When the castle is done, I add a couple twigs and straws for a final touch. When the ants march into their tunnel I smile and add a flower to the tunnel’s opening. 

I can feel my love and awe of each of them and I think they are all so cool.

I am constantly smiling and giggling with glee when I discover something new. I’m eager to tell my stories of wonder and to tell them all how I figured something out.

I love reminding all my people of their own hearts and telling them how I see them. I sometimes draw them; I sometimes take pictures of them, and I sometimes just watch them. 

And then, every once in a while, I get the chance to perform.

Singing, acting, teaching, dancing…and I come alive. I pop up in my overalls covered with sand, and I start a mini performance barefoot and at the top of my lungs with grand expressions on my face and even grander hand gestures, I do my thing. Everyone stops. They see me now. They all laugh.

My heart sores with the freedom it feels when I get to perform, sing and dance.

Look at me it says;

I am joy.

When I think about my sandbox, I can’t help but smile.

It helps me remember where we all started from. Our true essences that no one can deny us. It allows for me to sit with the heart of all of us, no matter what has happened, and it allows for me to soften.

Seeing others in their sandboxes allows me access to my forgiveness by means of my compassion for their little mini playground hearts.

So, take a minute today to be in your sandbox.

Can you see yourself in any of my little friends?

Do you identify with some parts of one child and other parts of another? 

Now picture all your people there, the close ones and the distant ones. Write it all down and discover what you get access to. I think there’s magic there because it all comes from a place of love and not fear or ego. It is therefore expansive and kind in nature. 

Let’s get back to our hearts. 

Let’s get back into our sandboxes with all our people and let’s all see them and ourselves again for the first time. 

It will bring warmth to your heart and allow for the layers to peel back, even if it’s just for a moment.

Now go play.