Do we really need to share it?

What eating and sharing popcorn has taught me about boundaries.

My favourite thing to do after working a 12 hour day shift is to come home, hunker down and eat a whole bowl of freshly made popcorn.

Melted butter and loads of salt are a must. There are times I don’t even take my scrubs off. I b-line it straight to the kitchen and busy myself to popping.

Then I joyfully sink into my living room chair, and I slowly indulge in the magnificence that is a bowl of buttery goodness.

What I noticed in this sacred ritual is that if my boyfriend and kids were home, they would inevitably help themselves to my popcorn.

Sometimes they would ask, other times they wouldn’t.

But each time it was like someone pressed the slow-mo button as I’d watch their hands strategically reach into my bowl and grab a heaping mound of popped kernels. 

I could feel the resentment bubble up in my stomach.

Like the low simmering of water when there’s barely any left at the bottom of a pot.

At first it was subtle, and then over time it got noisier. My eyes would dart up and I’d casually offer the recipient the evillest death stare that I could muster. My body would be vibrating in frustration; however, I’d force a fake smile and continue to allow them to eat my food. (keep in mind that this is after a long day of me caring for others. My tank is typically quite empty by the time I get home).

“Of course, you can have some” I’d mutter forcefully.

Here’s what’s interesting.

Did I say anything? Nope. Did I say no if they did ask me if they could have some of my popcorn? Of course not. In fact, I said yes. Did I try to communicate anything I was feeling to any one of my loved ones? No. 

Did I instead pretend that I was happy to share with them while cooking up a whole stew of resentment on the inside of my body?

Abso-fucking-lutely. 

I had to share my popcorn, Right?

As a mother, a partner, and a woman I felt an innate responsibility to share.

Isn’t that what we do? What we are taught to do? How we are supposed to exist?

• What’s mine is yours.

• I gave birth to you; therefore, you now have the right to always take from me.

• You are my male partner; therefore, it is my “duty” as your girlfriend or wife to always share with you or to give to you before I take for myself.

It’s the unspoken rule for women.

Otherwise, we are labelled as selfish, rude and sometimes even bitchy. 

Holy god does this stuff make me crazy! 

What happened?

WE DO NOT NEED TO ALWAYS SHARE.

This seems like a small thing, like an obvious thing, but let’s extrapolate this into bigger life things. It’s easy to do right? For me it is.

From our time, our food, our space and even our bodies. Think about it.

There is an element of each of these things where there is a silent expectation that we share without complaint.

It’s right there. In all the things we do. Almost always.

I watched my mom do it, I am doing it and sadly, my daughter will likely do it too. 

Here’s the kicker though;

I am doing this to myself And I’m the only one that I can control.

Therefore it is ultimately up to ME to recognize it and to try to change.

I am the one that:

• said yes when I meant no.

• pretended to be gracious and giving when in fact I simply wanted the popcorn to myself.

• did not communicate anything to anyone.

• built resentment that was then translated into a sick feeling in my body. Where I felt physically ill.

Wow.

What are we teaching ourselves, our bodies and our offspring?

This brought up so much for me that I had to talk to my counsellor about it.

Why?

Because underneath it all I felt deep shame for not sharing.

I felt like a bad person. Like a selfish person. A bad mother and partner. No one else needn’t label me as a bitch because I was already feeling the false reality of that through to my bones, all by myself.

All this over not sharing my popcorn?

I had done enough work, that when I started feeling this kind of shame, I knew that I needed to book a session with my counsellor.

And so, she and I processed.

She helped me see that it really is ok not to share my popcorn. That my grown children and boyfriend were quite capable of making their own bowls of deliciousness and that all I had to do was say No.

Duh, that seems easy.

Ah. And there it is. Enter saying No. Why is it so freaking hard to say? Especially to our people? To our children.

The only way to change or to unlearn any of these patterns of behaviour is to practice something new.

By first processing with my counsellor, I was able to gain access to the fact that I wasn’t actually a bad person for not sharing my popcorn.

That I was still a great mom and partner.

I was wrongfully attaching my self-worth to an action that I took that I then labelled as either “bad” or “good”.

Instead, I discovered that I needed to develop my sense of self by learning who I actually am.

Boundaries helped me learn me.

Tracy (my awesome counsellor) gave me “permission” to say no and “permission” not to share.

Then, I had to give myself permission and to try it out in real life.

And so, I tried.

Initially, saying No literally made me sick to my stomach. With time and lots of practice I am gratefully no longer on the verge of vomiting and instead quite stead-fast in my utterance of this beautiful one-word sentence. 

No. AH.

Why is this so important?

Because it taught me what my boundaries are.

What they feel like. Where I stop and where you begin.

I never understood what boundaries were, or what they felt like. So making this discovery was big for me.

You won’t learn what your boundaries are until you start to set them.

Even with my kids. As their mother, I want to teach them and try my best to model healthy boundaries. This is important to me because otherwise I am showing them that it’s ok to constantly abandon oneself for the seeming “greater good”. And then, all four of them will naturally follow suit and exhibit the same “nice” inauthentic traits. Barf.

Now, don’t get me wrong, there are still things that I need to do as a mother for my children.

I am responsible for my kids, and I still share my stuff with them.

BUT I am also determined to not have this bull shit mantra be on repeat in their mini developing subconscious minds. The one that has us pretend and not express how we really feel or the feeling of having to say yes, every time for fear of looking bad or being “bad”. 

As Terri Cole says in her book Boundary Boss:

“Any time you opt for being fake-nice instead of being truthful, you’re setting yourself up for unsatisfying experiences, resentment, and the loneliness of not being authentically known.”

In other words, we are cheating ourselves out of real connection and meaningful relationships by always being “nice”.

By always sharing, saying yes when we mean no and by not knowing where we stop and where someone else starts. 

This then translates into us not developing an authentic relationship also with ourselves. Which, in my opinion, is the most important relationship of all.

So, next time you make yourself your favorite treat after work try keeping it all to yourself. Or when you go to a restaurant with your partner, instead of letting them choose for you from the menu, pick what you want.

Give yourself permission. Give your girlfriend permission. Give your kids permission.

These are all things I tried and continue to practice daily that helped me learn what my boundaries are.

Boundaries don’t have to be big and mean, they can be small, clear, kind and still be very effective.

Setting them will likely make you feel pretty uncomfortable at first, as it did for me, but it’s a small step in learning who we really are.

A step in drawing a beautiful line around us, so that we can connect truthfully with ourselves first and then those we love. Without that boiling nauseous feeling in our guts and while hopefully passing on some good behaviour patterns to the next generation.

Now go practice saying no, feel all the things and enjoy your own goddamn bowl of popcorn.

xo

*disclaimer: I am sharing from a woman’s perspective because I identify as one. That is not to say that men don’t have their own challenges with regards to sharing and boundaries. I also want to unapologetically empower the shit out of us women, so yeah.*

xxo