How understanding narcissism as a human adaptation helps disentangle us from our attachment to them, shows us why we may be a fit for them and ultimately gives us our freedom back.

To all my fellow people pleasers, I love you.

There is so much to say about narcissism and narcissistic tendencies. It’s everywhere on social media, and thanks to the psychological, emotional damage and down right confusion that being in these relationships can create, it’s no wonder why we are all talking about it. (If you need to do a deep dive on narcissism, I highly recommend you check out Dr. Ramani’s work http://www.doctor-ramani.com)

But because my blog is about healing and not stories on “how a narcissist ruined my life” for example, I’m gonna throw a wrench in things and humanize both their way of being and ours.

My intention, is to shed light on the patterns that unconsciously dictate both the narcissist’s and the people pleaser’s actions,

the blind spots, if you will,

in order to give us some space to choose differently and to actually change our lives.

As much as it’s necessary to our healing (for a period of time) and also satisfying to our egos to blame only the narcissist, what if I told you that by constantly looking out there at those “bad” narcissists, shaking our fingers at them, and fundamentally keeping the spotlight on them, we were just keeping ourselves stuck?

Justified, but stuck none the less.

Stagnant in the same pattern of behavior that had us end up with them to begin with, while always looking back instead of creating a new life right now.

And what if I told you as well, that we are all capable of developing any and all of these adaptations, even if they seem “bad”?

That they are instead quite human of us *when we don’t know (or choose to learn) better*. My favorite line from my hairdresser is simply: DO BETTER (there’s your shout out Jenn 😉 )

I’ve seen victims of narcissistic abuse stall out their healing entirely by focusing solely on the “what makes a narcissist a narcissist” track. Like a record player wand stuck in the middle of a disc…

We have to take it one step further if we want to evolve (and remember, some of us actually don’t).

What if I told you that looking at the underlying maladaptive patterns of narcissism, gave us an opportunity to see the adaptive patterns that we use as well that happen to fit perfectly with theirs?

Deep breath Sally, I know this is a sticky one to swallow.

Before you get all up in arms, know that seeing the humanness in both, doesn’t condone their bad behavior, abuse or neglect, or shame ours, but instead empowers us to find freedom from the cycle that can be created in a relationship with them.

Let me explain.

Narcissism is an adaptation developed by some people to survive or cope.

Likely rooted from extreme emotional neglect or abuse, these humans haven’t been modelled the tools to be with hard feelings or emotions. They grow up to be adults that are typically perpetual victims who cannot take responsibility for their actions and are unwilling to look at themselves. They lack emotional maturity and have a fragile sense of self. As such, they feel shame very easily, and will protect themselves by being highly reactive to others. Rooted in insecurity, they’ll do whatever they can to have others believe that they have it all figured out via their “outside” image.

As the Holistic Psychologist’s Instagram page quoted:

“This makes relationships (with them) very difficult because they don’t have the maturity to be open to suggestions. And they don’t have the emotional regulation to tolerate differences of perspective or opinion.”

Their tool belt carries:

• deflection
• defensiveness
• denial
• blame
• the silent treatment
• guilt statements
• lying
• emotional blackmail
• and the ability to play a sing-song-y violin like no other

These tools are typically used to thwart the recipient, which is why narcissists are known for their ability to manipulate others. This type of manipulation is the overt kind (the one we notice more). Think, “I can’t let you see how insecure I feel” and insert above tools *here*.

They are master-takers and they typically refuse to get help or to look in the mirror (the metaphorical kind of course).

People-pleasing is also an adaptation.

They, on the other hand, are happy to take the blame especially if it means avoiding conflict, have low self-esteem but can be outwardly quite confident/high-functioning, have very fuzzy to no boundaries, have no real sense of self, and survive on doing, fixing and rescuing.

Their tool belt carries:

• fawning
• never saying no
• not being honest
• not knowing and/or expressing their needs
• always being “nice”
• over-functioning
• harboring resentment
• abandoning themselves over and over
• they play a master doer drum that doesn’t ever stop (hello energizer bunny for all my fellow 80s people).

Ironically, these tools are also used to manipulate and distract their mates, but this type of manipulation is more covert in nature (the less noticeable “nice” kind). Think, “I need you to pick me so that I feel loved, and I will give and give to hide my own fragility” and insert their tools *here*.

They are master-givers and are endlessly trying to fix/rescue others and themselves.

What if I told you that the people pleaser is therefore just as maladaptive and dysfunctional as the narcissist?

And that people pleasing empaths are therefore the perfect codependent counterparts to a narcissist?

What would happen then?

a) We spontaneously combust because this goes against our whole narrative of only them being the "Bad Guy or Gal"? 

(don't worry, I felt the whole body "ick" when someone first suggested this concept to me as well)

Maybe, but is anyone actually “bad”?

Or b) We create space and freedom for ourselves by understanding our side of things and we then detach forever from the pattern that is created in an adult union with a narcissist? 

IOW: We heal so that we no longer fit with them. 

Yes please, I want that.

I choose option B.

Ok, so, now that we’ve established our desire for freedom, the real work and discomfort of looking in the mirror starts.

This sh*t is hard.

You see, much like a puzzle, a narcissist needs its match. A codependent people pleaser is great at giving love and attention but sucks at receiving it. The narcissist is an expert at receiving love and attention, and sucks at giving it.

A perfect fit. 

And ironically, although the codependent is “nicer”, they too are using coping mechanisms to avoid feeling shame and to hide insecurity, which technically makes them just as emotionally unavailable as their counterpart.

Oooof, have I lost you yet? 

Bare with me...I told you this was a sticky pill.

I will say again, this does not condone their behaviour or mean we are tolerating being treated poorly, or that it doesn’t hurt like hell or create a ton of havoc being in a relationship with them, on any capacity.

It means that once we’ve left or created some space for ourselves, we choose to put our energy in a place that we have control over so that we are stronger and less affected by their damaging ways (because again, those won’t change).

And if it’s not with Joe now, it’ll be Jim or Jessie tomorrow.

Ok, so how?

First, 
we have to heal the trauma that is created by being in relationship with them. 

This first step is so important and should never be skipped over no matter how long it takes. 

It also requires space, because we can't heal in the environment that hurt us, which makes it non-linear and almost always messy in nature.

And that's ok.

Then, once we are ready and there’s a break in the densely packed reeds, we allow some space to see, to admit and be super honest with ourselves about why we may be a fit for them.

This requires intentionally spending time with a lot of different emotionally safe people and environments and typically, a really freaking good therapist.

We surround ourselves with humans that feel good to our insides, and we slowly learn to listen to who we are again. We do so with a lens of compassionate curiosity and if looking has us inevitably fall back into our self-shaming ways, those safe people remind us of who we really are and about our hearts.

Then, we go to work to not be a fit for them anymore. 

Even if we are out of said relationship, 

this step should also not be over-looked for if it is, 

the pattern will surely be repeated elsewhere.

But what if this person is our sibling, parent, spouse or best friend you ask?

And what if too, that this way of being equals love and normalcy to them or to the family system? I never said this stuff was easy. This is where it is the most uncomfortable, in our closest relationships.

Regardless of the system or relationship in which they exist, it doesn't change the fact that they are fundamentally still dysfunctional.

It's just harder to be with, and there's no way around that. 

And remember, HARD doesn't necessarily mean WRONG. 

You healing, will be disruptive and uncomfortable for not only you but also those around you, especially the ones that benefitted from your people pleasing ways. And, I can tell you that if the other has narcissistic tendencies they will down right hate this new version of you. They too have gotten used to you showing up a certain way and they will likely only blame you further for changing.

Digging in their heels in hopes that their guilt and deflection will have you come back to the role you’ve always played with them.

You are the forever rescuer to their never-dying, always suffering victim, after all.

But remember, even though it’s touted on Disney and on the Big Screen as being the ultimate definition and expression of love (as well as reinforced in some of our family systems), rescuing is not love.

And it is NOT your job to rescue anybody. Period.

It doesn’t mean:

1. that you love them more / “You obviously don’t love or respect me”
2. that you are finally “showing up” for them / “It’s the least you can do”
3. that you are closer to them or special in some way / “I’ve always been there for you”
4. that you have to because you are related or indebted to them / “After all I’ve done for you, is this the thanks I get?”

These are all part of a victim’s vocabulary to instill guilt and manipulate us into ‘saving’ them, again. (that all-too familiar sing song-y violin)

The bottom line is: Rescuing = enabling.

There's that horse pill again, Gulp.

So, even though it may feel like it for us, rescuing and/or fixing does not equal love. *although The Princess Bride may be the only exception and will forever be my favorite movie, “assssss yooooou wish” gawd, such a classic* 🙂

Ok, so now what?

Here’s where you have to ask yourself what you’re willing to lose,

you or them?

Because the reality is, in these dysfunctional patterns, once we wake up to them, we are either dysfunctional and in them, or healthy and not.

Pretty blunt hey? Yeah, I know, but it's really that simple. 

If being in relationship with them has us abandon ourselves, we can choose to create space to heal enough to re-enter when we are ready and feel metaphorically whole, or we leave.

And this holds true for those we are forced to have relationships with as well, like a co-parenting situation or a colleague at work, for example.

Your healing should have the same priority, regardless of the situation you are in, and this should never waver.

that spot is always numero uno

Sometimes, if we are lucky, and both parties do the work, we can re-define our relationship and show up in new functional ways (which although is very rare, isn’t impossible, and usually only happens after a significant break, but not usually with a true narcissist).

For me, the only answer and real freedom (albeit uncomfortable) comes from looking inward and healing myself

out of codependence.

I choose me over everyone else. 

How do we do this?

• We fill ourselves up.
• We stop looking out there at all the things we can’t control, and we instead look in here.
• We feel our feelings, especially the “bad” ones, without automatically adding shame to them.
• We learn what are needs are and we practice saying them out loud.
• We learn how to rest (which also means being with the guilt that will inevitably come when we do…this too shall pass)
• We are intentional with every choice we make, challenging the default ‘go to’.
• We build back up our self-esteem, one scary doubt-filled brick at a time.
• We sit in the discomfort of not doing.
• We make friends with the inevitable anxiety that creeps up when we choose a different action or reaction than those we are accustomed to.
• We learn what’s ours and what’s theirs by feeling out our boundaries.
• We practice doing conflict and talking about hard things.
• We say no.
• We upset others, and do it anyway, especially if it means we’d be abandoning ourselves with a yes.
• We move from fixing and rescuing (which is really enabling) to repairing, being honest in our communication and creating real connection.
• We move from saying what the other wants to hear to telling the truth.
• We feel our bodies again.
• We surround ourselves with people that feel safe, are honest, want us to shine and that fundamentally and unconditionally have our backs (our real heart ones, not the ego ones).

And finally, we practice and practice and practice until enough of these lived actions add up to equal a sustainably strong non-codependent self.

A-freaking-Men.

*ironically, other than a few tweaks here and there, my “How To” list would be virtually identical for a narcissist as well, if he or she were willing to look of course*

We always have a choice.

If we choose not to do the uncomfortable work of shifting, we stay stuck and we never really heal our codependent, people pleasing ways. We then repeat the same pattern in other areas of our life, and worse, we model these behaviours to our kids and they pass them on, and so on and so on (hello generational dysfunction).

I don't know about you, but I'm frankly over it. 

So, although it is hard, I think it’s imperative to look. To be brave enough to face ourselves in the mirror, own it all and learn a new way. To create our own freedom by choosing to take full responsibility for our lives.

Are you willing to look? Have you already started to see?

Let’s fill ourselves up so much that our perfect fit is only a healthy one from here on in.

Where we end up growing with others and creating imperfectly perfect pairs instead.

And remember, I’m right here with you.

xo